Hi,
I found this site and finally feel I can write about my experience of PP. It has been a real help reading other peoples experiences and I feel I came off very lightly compared to some people on here.
My daughter was born in April last year and everything seemed to be going ok initially. Looking back now I can see there were early signs from the start. Paranoia was my initial symptom; I thought my older daughter hated me for having another baby. I also felt she was punishing me by being awkward and difficult- when she wasn’t really. I was struggling to breast feed as I did with my first daughter, but I was determined to persist with it, like my first daughter Grace had lost weight and was regaining weight very slowly. So I was beginning to feel like a failure. I began to think people were watching me and spying on me and thinking that I was a useless mother.
Grace was about four weeks old when I realised something was wrong I had gone to see my cousin as it was her birthday and I was struggling to talk in sentences, I was very disjointed and I could see the look on her face. I began to think I was literally going mad…I saw my cousin and her husband several days later (this was a weekend) and we talked about depression as both her and her husband have had experience of this and I said I would go to the doctor. The same weekend my older daughter had developed a bug and had diarrhoea. Due to this she had a sore bottom… as my paranoia heightened I thought it was my fault, I thought people would think I had abused her. Despite my husband and my mum telling me not to be stupid people wouldn’t think that…my paranoia began to get out of control I was convinced I had done something, maybe I didn’t realise it, that I had always been ill and my family were covering it up. At this point I was struggling to sleep and had agreed to go to the doctors on the Monday.
When I went to the doctors he was very unhelpful, despite me telling him I thought maybe I had done something to my daughter- my husband was with me and assured the doctor I hadn’t (and I hadn’t I was paranoid that I had and was doing things without realising it). He asked if I had a history of mental health problems and I hadn’t. He told me he couldn’t do anything there and then, but to come again and see him in two weeks time. I remember thinking two weeks- two weeks I couldn’t cope with that. I thought people were spying on me and I thought the nursery where my daughter went had suspicions that something was happening at home and were keeping a log on me. I also thought a close friend in the village was also spying on me, as she would phone to see how I was.
The next day I told my husband I was going to Tesco express to buy bread. Instead I took my self off to the nearest A&E. Where I told them that I had been ill for years and that my family were covering it up and that I thought I had abused my oldest daughter. Obviously this caused alarm bells to ring and before I was assessed properly they informed social services, which later we found out that shouldn’t have happened, they should have waited until a physiatrist had seen me. I was later seen by the physiatrist and she diagnosed PP- I don’t remember seeing her, apparently I told her that my husband was going to kill me for coming in to A&E. Whilst I was at A&E social services went to see my daughter at my mum’s house and were happy that nothing was going on. This was obviously very upsetting for my husband, daughter and my mum.
Later that day I was transferred to the acute psychiatric ward… I remember feeling lost, worried, guilty… I was given sleeping tablets that night, but I was there a couple of days before they started me on antipsychotic drugs. I was given 2mg of Risperidone and several days later I was also given a drug to ease my anxiety. I don’t remember the early days of my admission, I do remember thinking have I really had a baby? I was convinced I was part of an experiment and the rest of the patients were in on it. I also thought they were waiting for me to do something, but I don’t know what. I remember thinking I’d heard the nurse telling my husband that they would hear everything I said as he was bugged. I was convinced they were out to get me because I had done something wrong. I was at the acute psychiatric ward for 11 days in total until a bed became available at the Mother and baby unit. During my time on the ward I saw my children a couple of times, my husband didn’t want my older daughter to see me when I was really poorly.
When I was finally transferred to the mother and baby unit it was nice to finally be with my baby, as I was beginning to get better I was concerned she would have forgotten me. The mother and baby unit was very intense. I was put on 24 hour obs for nearly 5 days and felt like I was on big brother. I know they were there to help me and look after me and my daughter. I thought they were waiting for me to do something wrong and I’m not sure now if it was the paranoia or not but I was convinced they talked about me. Some of the staff were rally lovely and supportive, but I felt some of the staff had obviously read my notes and that they were judging me and wondering if I had done anything to my older daughter- but again this could have been my paranoia.
After a few days at the mother and baby unit I was seen by the consultant psychiatrist and she asked if I had ever had an episode before and implied that it usually happens when you are a teenager. I had never experienced anything like that before. So then I was paranoid and began to think again that I had always been ill, as she thought I had. She also told me that social services may also want to speak to me to close the case. After being there a week I was given leave for the weekend and this was also my older daughters birthday weekend. So I was so pleased to have been allowed home- the first time in 3 weeks and spend some quality time with my family. It felt very strange being at home, but was very sad to have been going back to the mother and baby unit and it was upsetting for my daughter that I was going again. I was there another week and then I was given a weeks leave and then discharged from hospital. So after 4 weeks I was home and each week the CPN came to see me. Seeing the CPN each week helped and I was able to talk to him. He also thinks the paranoia about my older daughter and thinking that people would think that I had abused her, was a result of my job. As I am a teacher and just before going on maternity leave I had done an online training course on child protection and he thinks that had played on my mind and that is where that paranoia came from. Also in the first week of being at home social services also came to see me to ask a few questions and to close the case, she was a very understanding lady as she had had PND. She asked me if I had been abused as a child, which upset me, as I hadn’t. So I explained to her that I had done this online course about child protection and I had found it quite upsetting.
Once at home I began to do a little bit of research about PP as I wanted to know what was wrong with me and I read that women with bipolar tend to suffer with it. So I began to think maybe I have bipolar, I even did an online quiz. I talked to my CPN about this and he said he didn’t think I had bipolar.
My CPN stopped my medication in November after being on it for nearly 6 months; he had gradually reduced it down to ½ mg. Despite only ever being on a low dose I feel my mood began to get better after coming off the rispidone. I still have my up and down days and do wonder if I have always suffered with elements of depression, but never realised it. I also have paranoid days where I wonder what people think, but I think that is normal?? My health visitor also came to see me at home several times once I was discharged and she did apologise for not spotting any signs of PP. Family life is back to normal and apart from the lack of sleep due to Grace teething, life is good. I’m due to go back to work in 11 weeks time which I’m worried about. I have done the odd day and have some days coming up to get me back into it.
I have been lucky to have supportive family and friends. It has been a real help writing this and I’m sorry to have gone on and on. It maybe a bit disjointed as some of my memories are a little fuzzy.
Thank you for reading this.
AJT
Poll