hello...

[velvetfeet]

hi,

i am a terrified mother of three children... i know that i am depressed but it has started to become more than that i think. i just wanted a bit of opinion from you guys.

my third child i 14 months old, and i'm pretty sure i've been ignoring PND for quite a bit of that time, (i am very stubborn). but i have recently been getting horrific visions of me killing or injuring my own children and/or myself, from both first and third person perspective. i have no urge to carry these visions out but they are so graphic and reduce me to tears. i haven't told anyone, even my husband, i'm just so scared because of the nature of them what the authorities will do. i have no family near-by, only my inlaws and they all have the perfect show homes and are better off than us, and all working mothers etc. i feel so broken and weak minded, its all i can do to get up in the morning and walk my son to school, smiling and chatting in the playground.

i just don't know what to do....... i feel like such an unfit mother, i remember going to play day groups with my eldest and painting at home, and i just don't know where that person has gone. i can't face the idea of going anywhere new. i live in fear. i am so tired all the time and i just eat all the time even though i don't feel hungry at all.

could these symptome be from  puerperal psychosis... its kinda my last hope, or its just me, and that thought makes my blood run cold, how evil must i be to have these thoughts.

sorry for the rambling nature of this post.... thanks for reading if you got this far

Velvet
x

[velvetfeet]

ok... sorry i'm so used to lying about it i even lied writing that, sorry...

i've been having these visions since my eldest was born 5 years ago, i've just gotten used to ignoring then, the frequency/severity kinda goes up and down, its just really bad at the mo... i was ok for a while after my second and thought it had gotten better but its back... there you go.. sorry i lied i'm just teriified of the medical profession. When was younger i stopped nurses accidentally overdosing me on meds and I just don't feel able to talk freely about this stuff, even on an anonymous forum board...


sorry sorry sorry sorry

PS i love my kids

[fanacapants]

Hello,
I'm sorry you have been feeling like this. I suffered from pp 3 years ago and definitively had thoughts about harming my son although I naver would of or never did.

Thoughts that you may harm your child or a member of your family either accidentally or deliberately is a sign of Post Natal Depression though. Not sure if its a classic sign of PP.

Why don't you make an appointment to speak to your doctor about this. You must be going out of your mind!

I didn't want to tell the doctor about my strange thoughts and hallucinations because I thought they wouldn't believe me and might take my baby away but they didn't at all. I got the help and support I needed.


I hope you get it sorted and start feeling better soon xxx

[Sugar Puff]

Hello,
Firstly I have to say how important it is to tell your doctor about what you have said.
If you can't confide in your doctor than change to one you can - see them a few times it will build up trust.

I know from experience that negative emotions feed on themselves.
When I have dark thoughts I try to destract myself by thinking about people or places I love, putting music on, reading something or simply going for a walk.

I have found in the last couple of weeks that subconsiously I have been dwelling on the past and remembering the trauma of my PP of 16 years ago - when I was commited to a mental hospital.
I've been thinking about it recently because I wanted to tell some people about it so they can better understand me.

I phoned my mate last night and asked him why it might be that I think about it when I don't want to.
He is a very dear freind I've known for about 16 years, not qualified in psycology but always has the best advice when I turn to him for help and he makes a lovely cup of tea

He told me that the human mind is like a field with paths.
The more we think about something the deeper the path and the mind gets acustomed to taking a familiar path.
So subconsiously when my mind is idle it might take the path without me realising it - just 'cos it's done that so many times before.

So, my adivce is not to think about your dark thoughts as difficult as that might be at times.
I also had some hypnotism to improve my well being about 10 years ago.
The hypnotist got me to imagine a beach with pretty shells and to think of different shells as good / happy experiences I have had.
So that when I felt the darkness I could look at my beach and admire my gorgeous shells !
It also works as a garden with pretty flowers.
It brings feelings of pleasure you've had in the past into the present.

I hope this helps x

[Kay]

Hi VF

Firstly welcome to the forum sweety xx

Secondly you are not a bad mum or person xx

I would say the same as the others hunni, go and see someone xx tell them about what's happening xx if you don't feel comfortable telling them everything, just tell them a little and then try to build up some trust in them xx I would try your GP xx and as SP said if you don't feel like you trust your GP change to another xx

Most important thing to remember is that you are not alone and that these things do happen to some of us xx but don't try to cope on your own xx My psychiatrist encouraged me to talk about things with anyone and everyone that would listen, they said that it helped to keep it under control and that when I bottled it up it could just goes round and round in my brain and then becomes magnified which in turn would make me anxious and panicky xx

What's your relationship with your hubby like?  Is it healthy and do you trust him? xx Maybe if you spoke with him he could help you get some help and be there to hold your hand and look after you and your interests?  If it hadn't been for my Mum, I don't think I would have recovered so well and that's because I trusted her and listened to her, even when I was at my worst xx I thought everyone else was out to get me xx

Sending you a big hug and lots of encouragement and strength xx

Good luck gorgoeus xx

[LisaK]

Hi
Thank you for sharing your story.  You have suffered for a long time and you deserve help.  I suffered with PP after my second child was born.  In hindsight, I had sporadic strange thoughts after my first child.  I may have been sick at that time, but it just wasn't diagnosed.  After my second child I went into full blown psychosis - so it was really obvious that I was sick.  I would recommend that you tell a doctor all of your symptoms and tell him that you are worried that you may have PP or something like it.  There is no shame in checking things out, in fact it is just being prudent  - now just in case you feel ill at ease or embarrassed or worried - just think of this.  They don't exactly know what causes PP but they suspect there is a strong genetic - biological component.  If you have it, t is not your fault - it is not a character flaw - it is not a weakness of character.  It is a disease or sickness that is just as serious as anything else.  It affects your mind.  If your father had a brain tumour that effected his personality - would you blame him - no you wouldn't - you would get him the help he needs.  I think we have to stop blaming ourselves and accept the fact that this is a serious disease that we had no control over.  And we need to get the help that we deserve, just like anyone else who is sick.  So I implore you to get help so you can help yourself and your family.
Best Regards,
Lisa

[LisaK]

.............. and just to continue from above.  If you don't have PP but instead post partum depression, or some other mental issue - again there is nothing to be ashamed of or scared of.  Mental illness is nothing to feel ashamed about.  It just happens to be an illness that affects the brain instead of the heart or liver or some other organ.  You are not evil for your thoughts.  You are looking for help.  I hope this is not to blunt.  I just hope you get some help, like the rest of us.  Because it will change your life.  There are doctors out there that would be begging to help.  And treatments are great now.
So I will be thinking of you.
Best Wishes
Lisa