Hi, I am new to the site and just needed to offload.
I have had pnd sine my 2nd child was 4 months old- 3 months ago. It also seems that I have had it during bith pregnancies and after my first son, however I did not pick up on it or get help. Now I have fantastic help and my husband, family friends and health carers are all brilliant- I feel lucky.
It has been so difficult. I seem to know when I have wrong thoughts but can't get them out of my head until I speak to one of my supporters. Thoughts like leaving my baby on the doorstep, hearing him crying when he isn't there, thinking it might be a n idea to bore a hole in my head to release the pressure, feeling compelled to drive into a bus head first (that was yesterdays problem). I am not suicidal, and dearly love my boys and worry that they may come to harm. The anxiety of pnd was horrendous for me and was the only time I had suicidal thoughts and they kind of blindsided me without me realising. I report every bad thought or felling to my HV and Psychiatrist (outpatient) and always take my anti depressants. I think because I have been so "responsible" everyone trusts me but me. If I feel bad I tell my family and the boys are taken care of for me and I am allowed and encouraged to rest. I seem to have the best support and care going, yet I am still scared of these weird thoughts. I hate the ones where I disconnect from my baby, once I thought someone had taken him and put another baby in his place and it revolted me. I adore my children and believe I am a very good mother- normally!!!!!! I have not been too bad with depression and can pullmyself out or distract myself and grit my teeth and get on , however this morning I have woken up feeling despair as I so tired of trying to control these thoughts and the effort of being responsible. I just want to let go.
I know these thoughts are also not right, however I am worried that when I see my Pshych tomorrow and tell him he will still have confidence in me when I no longer do. I am worried he will say you are doing better than you were a few months ago but you just can't see it. There have been discussions with my GP about taking me into hospital and going on antipsychotics, but my husband is fully prepared to do everything to keep me at home and the Psych has never mentioned antipsychotics to me even though I know he has written about it to my GP. I actually wnt to ask him to put me on them, which must sound crazy. Surely if I'm sane enough to ask to go on them then I am not "mad" enough to need them!!!!!!!
I feel this despair is too much. I will see my HV today and tell her everything I've said, in fact I'll print it out. Thank you for being there. I will posy when I am better.
