Is there anyone out there who has been through similar problems?
My son is 19 months old now and I'm well on the way to recovery from my post natal illness, or so I thought... Every now and then something happens which touches a raw nerve and sends me spiralling down again.
To cut a long story short, my fear has always been that my son doesn't love me as he does his dad. I breastfed for the first few months, and Jacob suffered from appalling colic. He was unhappy feedng and pushed me away when I tried to feed him. It seemed as though my husband was much better at calming him down and Jacob seemed to bond far better with my husband. I became obsessed with this thought that Jacob didn't want me. I judged myself all the time in everything I did and found myself lacking.
I was referred to the mother and baby psychiatric team and had support from a nurse for a few months. I was on antidepressants which took the edge off my unhappiness but made me feel woozy. I started Cognitive behavioural therapy which has helped a great deal. I was discharged for the psychiatist and started finally to enjoy motherhood and love my baby intensely.
Yet the feeling has never really gone away. It's worsened by the fact that I have no close family at all, having lost both my parents many years ago. My husband's parents love Jacob and will do anything for him which is great but I sometimes feel like a complete outsider who has no role and no real importance.
Tonight was a crisis point. I took Jacob up for his bath and he screamed and kicked violently when he was separated from his dad and carried on till my husband took over and held him, when he stopped and settled. I feel lousy, and scared in case it starts again and I can't get Jacob to settle with me, and that others will see that Jacob has rejected me. I felt as deeply useless tonight as I did in the worst moments of my P N I. Am I the only one who feels like this?
