Anyone wishing to talk about thier experiences?

[fanacapants]

Hi,

I was diagnosed with puerperal psychosis when my son was 3 months old. I'm not sure how it went undiagnosed for so long but i didn't start having hallucinations and delusions until after a prolonged period of sleep deprivation. I remember breastfeeding in the middle of the night and instead of being tired i would be wide awake and unable to sleep. When my son was born instead of feeling exhausted I felt elated, high and really powerful. I don't know if this was anything to do with the type of birthing experience i had (natural waterbirth -v strait forward) so i never really felt low, as time went on I just got higher and higher until i went hypermanic, manic, then psychotic.

Eventually it all went pear shaped and things went rapidly into decline. I thought my husband was the devil and my mum was a clown. I thought that my son was an alien from space. (all sounds pretty weird i know!) I was convinced that there were evil spirits in my sons room so i would go into his room in the middle of the night and shoo the spirits away. When I watched t.v I could see blood dripping down the screen.

I thought i was a magic fairy and that i could stop time. I thought my phone was magic and that i could order things using my phone such as a holiday.

My husband took me to see the doctor and she got in touch with the psychologist. When he came to see me I thought he was God who had come to test me to see if i'd been good enough to go to heaven. I remember eating meals and seeing the devil in my food. I found patterns in everything and didn't like it if people coughed or crossed their arms. (I felt as though they were being insincere if they did.)

I was given olanzapine and told to sleep as much as i could, which i did, only getting up to eat. When the medication helped me to sleep I still found i was experiencing psychotic symptoms. My husband and i took our son out for a walk and I remember feeling really paranoid as though everyone was talking about me behind my back. I also felt like i was on the Truman show. - like every thing was false and everyone was acting around me. Then i started to feel like i was in a complete state of deja vu which was frightening.

Eventually the medication took effect and the psychotic symptoms subsided. I had to stop breastfeeding which really upset me as i felt like a failure. It was then that I slipped into a depression. I was anxious, lost all my confidence and couldn't make decisions. I found it difficult to bond with my son and became withdrawn and anti social. I was offered antidepressants but didn't take them  until 2 weeks later because I was unconvinced that they would make me feel any better. In the end i started to take the antidepressants which did made things better. I found i was able to 'get on' with things but felt like i was living in a fog. Everything was a major effort. I didn't know how to talk or play with my son, I found the days dragged on and i couldn't wait until it was time to go to bed and shut everything out. I had thoughts about committing suicide. I would get up in the morning and empty the dishwasher (a chore that i would dread) and take the knives out and think how easy it would be to end everything. I never attempted it, but used to have very negative thoughts. My whole body felt constantly heavy and i used to sleep from 7pm until 7am.

Gradually I showed signs of improvement - I started to do more and meet up with friends thought i never really felt like doing it. My psychologist suggested i wean myself of olanzapine. As i started to do so i noticed i had more energy and was able to concentrate on tasks like cooking and shopping. I went back to work part time when my son was 9 months old which i think did help although i did find going back extremely hard.

I have just weaned myself olanzapine completely this month and can honestly say i feel like a different person! My recovery has been a slow and steady process. I started to feel better when my son was about a year old, but didn't have the motivation that i have now.

I put on one and a half stone with olanzapine and have just lost a stone in six weeks after a change of diet and taking up exercise again which has brought back my confidence and raised my self esteem.

I'm going to see the psychologist tomorrow and i'm hoping that he will say i can reduce my antidepressants too. I don't mind taking antidepressants but i do find my emotions are suppressed when i'm on them.

If there is anyone out there who has been though pp who can relate to some of this i would be glad to hear from you.

If you are currently suffering from the illness or know someone close to you who is going through it, i know its awful, but things do get better. I never thought i'd feel normal again, but i really do.

My husband and i have talked about having another baby and despite suffering from a nightmare of an illness it hasn't put us off having another one. Plus i know they will provide lots of support if we decide to have baby number two, but at the moment we are concentrating on being a family just the three of us. Although i was always there for my son, i feel like i missed out because i was under a very dark cloud so now i just want to enjoy family life.

[Lottie]

Hi there.  I'm in recovery at the moment.  I also had this illness for nearly 3 months before it was diagnosed and at times it was quite extreme - I saw patterns in everything that happened in my life and I had a lot of strange thoughts about the people I thought had helped me i.e. I thought the counsellor I saw was trying to control my mind (I heard his voice in my head for about 4 weeks after I saw him) and one night I took 3 herbal sleeping tablets in desperation to sleep but it just ended in 8 hours of voices in my head.  Things got quite a bit worse after this as I just felt utterly exhausted for weeks and the voices continued for a while - usually sarcastic voices.  I thought I could rebalance my mind by myself and had a lot of dreams about how to do it, in fact I thought I had really mucked up my mind at one point and it was all irrecoverable.  But thankfully I got the right help and have been taking anti-psychotic medication which has helped a lot, along with a home crisis team support and lots of family support.  How long did you take the tablets for out of interest?  I have been taking them 4 weeks now and my doctor is already starting to talk about weaning me off them because of the potential side effects.  What did you doctor recommend about how to come off the tablets?  And was all back to normal afterwards really?  Do you by any chance live in the London area?  If so, it would be good to meet up for a chat?

[fanacapants]

Hello Lottie,

Glad that your getting the support that you need. The crisis team visited me at the weekend when the docs were unavailable and i found them to be understanding and supportive.

Sorry to hear you had voices in your head, that must have been really awful and frightening. I was lucky i didn't have auditory hallucinations, just visual ones, but they were still frightening. I did have a lot of racing thoughts and everything was happening really fast. Did you ever have voices telling you to harm your baby? Fortunately i didn't but i was very confused and my husband removed all the knives in the house just in case. He was asked if he wanted to be treated in a mother and baby unit but he decided that i was best treated at home as my mum only works part time so she came to help every day and my husband took a month off work. To be honest I was so confused that i honestly think if i went into hospital that i would have thought i had died and gone to heaven with all the white sheets and nurses in uniform. I really lost the plot.

I have only just stopped taking anti-psychotic medication this April. I was diagnosed with the illness in October 2007, my son was born July 2007. I was advised to wean myself off my medication (olanzapine) gradually. I started off on 10mg - which made me comatose, then a few months later 7.5mg which was better, then 5mg. I found coming off 5mg difficult so the doc suggested trying 5mg one day then 2.5mg the next day for a couple of months. Then I tried 2.5mg one day and no tablet the next day for a while but I found that i got excitable, butterflies in my stomach and i couldn't sleep. I bought a pill cutter (£1.99) to half my tablets and tried a few weeks of taking 2.5mg, then half a tablet every other day  which worked. Then i just took half a 2.5mg for a while - about a month, then stopped. Its taken me a long time to wean myself off (nearly 2 years which is a long time but i didn't want to relapse.) The weight gain has been the hardest thing for me. I tried to loose weight last summer whilst on the medication by exercising regularly but found nothing happened. It's only now that i'm off the olanzapine that i've been able to loose the weight.

Getting back to normal has really been a gradual process, i didn't just wake up one day and feel 'better' it was little steps each week and month. As i reduced the olanzapine i noticed i had more energy which enabled me to do more for myself like cook and clean. I was always a really active person before i had my son and because the anti-psychotic medication slows brain activity down i found it really hard and frustrating not to be able to have the motivation to do things - which made me more depressed.

Its good that your doctor is starting to talk about weaning you off the medication. They know what they are doing. You might not need to take them as long as me. How many mg are you currently taking? My anti-psychotics are not addictive which is a good thing. Do you know if yours are?

Meeting up for a chat would be lovely but I'm afraid a 4 hour trip to london is a bit too far seen as i live in Yorkshire!

The most important thing is that you sound like you have a really supportive family which helps. Remember you're over the worst now, so try and concentrate of getting well and looking after your baby.

I know it can be hard to talk about what happened. I know i found it difficult at first and it's only been months after that i remember things about the psychotic episode i had. But i do find it better when i talk about it. So if you ever need to write down your feelings or ask questions, i'll do my best to try and answer them

Sukina

[Nat]

Hello,

You may have read my post explaining that while I have not suffered with this, my sister did and unfortunately it ended badly. I know every situation is different but it's so good to hear your story so thank you for sharing it. As a relative, you just want to know or try to understand some of what that person was going through-and wether thats a good thing or not-it strangely does give me some comfort to know that what she had was not rational and she was not in control of what she was thinking or doing. I just wish she could have come through it too. There are still many questions about the circumstances of her death, and unfortunately they will remain that way but at the very least I have some comprehension as to her state of mind.

As I mentioned in my post, I am in the early stages of pregnancy myself now and while I understand this condition is not hereditary - I'm so scared of it as there seems no real pattern as to who this can affect. Obviously my family are going to be hyper sensitive to this now and can only hope they will recognise the symptoms even if I am not able to. I'm praying this does not happen to me-and I know I have no real reason to think it will, but I'm concerned all the same.

I think its brilliant that you've been so honest and were able to share your experiences-and its helped me, so thankyou.

xxx

[fanacapants]

Hi Nat,

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your sister to this dreadful illness. I can't begin to imagine what you must have been through.
I'm glad that my story has been of some use to you. Psychosis is different every time for each sufferer, but the main thing with the illness is you loose complete touch of reality and feel very confused and unable to trust anyone. I feel very lucky that no harm came to me or my son, although i was so confused there was a time when my illness was really bad i just wanted to get in the bed naked with my son, my mum and my husband to feel pure and 'close to God' My son at the time was crying in his cot and i honsestly think if my mum hadn't have found me with my clothes off reaching in my sons cot i think i may have ended up stabbing him to stop him crying.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's such a special thing and I do hope you have chance to enjoy it without worrying too much about becoming ill yourself. I'm sure it wont happen to you, but it sounds like you've got people watching out for you which is good.

[fiona]

Hello,
It was good to read your story & I can relate to a lot of what you said - I was diagnosed 5 days after my son was born, but had very similar delusions and experiences during the 4 months of psychosis.  At one point I thought I was an angel and had to make the decision about my mother or my son dying.

I certainly found the days dragging on and on from month 5-10, when the depression kicked in.  At about month 9, I was recommended to a private psychiatrist, specialising in mothers with mental illness, who offered me an epilepsy drug (instead of lithium, which I was reluctant to take).  I also went back to work.  By the time my boy was 2 I felt 100% better, was off the medication & back to my normal self.
Our 2nd baby is due in 8 weeks time - and I'm glad we didn't try for #2 any earlier.  It has been really special having a healthy year with our little boy & made me realise how detached I was while I was ill.  Also, the recovery was so gradual.  While I was on the depression medication, I kept on thinking I was better and this was as good as I was going to be, but it was a year later that my full confidence came back.
I'm preparing for the worst this time around - and will take Olanzapine as soon as she's born - forgoing breastfeeding & getting lots of help in first few months!    Finger's crossed it'll be ok.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Fo

[fanacapants]

Hello Fiona,

It's good to hear that having pp has not put you off having another baby. I do think you need a while after getting over it to just be 'you' and enjoy family life for a while. I know what you mean about it being as good as its going to be, i felt like that for a long time but as i kept on reducing my anti-psychotic medication i felt i got more energy and enthusiasm to do the things i used to do before i had my son such as taking up exercise, cooking and being sociable again.

I think you are very sensible planning to take Olanzapine and forgoing breastfeeding. I think if we ever have another baby, which hopefully we will in a few years, i would do the same just to be on the safe side.

Do you know how many mg of Olazapine they are going to start you off on?

I wish you all the best for the birth and hope everything goes well.

Keep me posted, sukina x

[Claire]

Hi my names Claire im 25 years old and i am still recovering from puerperal psychosis.

I had my baby girl last june on the 11th. I had a normal birth and came home after about 8 hours.
For the first couple of days i was tired as i found it hard to sleep. A few days after having my baby i started to get paranoid about everything and wouldn't do anything on my own with the baby i even had to have my husband there when i changer her nappy even though i had changed nappies many times before. So i went to see my doctor and he gave me some sleeping tablets.

Saw the midwife the following day and my husband explained to her that I was having bad thoughts about harming myself and ending all 3 of ours lives. She decided that I needed hospital care and i went to the hospital to see a psychiatrist and he admitted me to the Glenfield hospital in leicester to the bradgate mothers and baby unit on the mental health ward.

I stayed on that ward for over a weekend and then got transferred to a room on my own. I was hallucinating and had delusions aswell as my suicidal thoughts. I felt that everything was false as i was in a world of my own. I thought that everything on TV and everything i read was about me. I thought i was on Big Brother and being watched and talked about all the time.

I deteriorated quite quickly from this point on and was no longer capable of looking after my daughter. My husband managed to get the time off work to look after her. I got to a point where i was bed ridden and could not eat or speak for myself, for 6 days. During this time i was on a drip to keep my fluids up.

I was sectioned under the mental health act 3 and after a second opinion from another doctor they went ahead and started me with ECT treatment which is Electroconvulsive Therapy, the side effects of this is memory loss, so my husband is helping me write this as i cannot hardly remember a thing.
I had this treatment twice a week for 6 weeks which is the maximum you can have in one go. I was also on 7 different types of medication.

I have been told that i thought my dad was dancing with the trees outside the window and that the person in the magazine was talking to me. I thought that my family were impostors and other people were dressed up like them. I would only believe it was my husband visiting me by checking gaps in his tattoo.

After each treatment i was slowly getting better and they started to let me go home for a few hours to begin with it eventually increased to days, then a few nights, a weekend and then home for good.

I was starting to hold my baby again, feed her and change her nappies with my husbands help.

After about 6 weeks and being able to feed myself again i was finally moved back to the mother and baby unit. My baby still wasn't with me all the time as i was scared i may harm her.

She finally was allowed to stay with me but at night time the nurses would watch her and feed her as i needed my sleep so i could get better.

I was finally discharged when the nurse felt i was less anxious and more able to cope. When i was at home i had lots of support.
My mum would stay every evening as my husband works nights and she would get up and do the night feeds so i could have my sleep although the medication i was on helped me sleep and i didn't hear a thing. My mum only stopped staying the a few months ago.

It has taken 10 months for me to get to this stage to want my independance again. I started back work in february part-time. I am still on antidepressants and lithium tablets and hopefully next week when i see my doctor she will take me off the anti-depressants and discharge me as an out patient.

This is a horrible illness and had never heard of it before i had it. My husband and i are still undecided on whether to have another baby as i really do not want to go through this again as i have been told there is a 50/50 chance of it reoccurring.

As i said before i cannot remember much of the 10 weeks in hospital and its my husband who has helped me write this.

I just want to say thank you to my husband for sticking by me and helping me through it im so proud of him as he had to bring our baby up more or less on his own with some help from family and friends and im very proud of him for doing that.

If anyone has any questions then please ask and ill try and answer them.

[fanacapants]

Hi Claire,

Really sorry you've had this horrendous illness. Things will get better for you, its just a gradual process. You've done really well to share your experiences, I find it helps to talk or write about it. It has taken me nearly 2 years to do so though so well done!
I can relate to a lot of what you've said, particularly about everything on TV being about you. That's how I felt. I thought that the TV was trying to send me a personal message about God coming to take me to heaven very soon and that i needed to listen for the clues he was giving me to get there. I also found that the lyrics in songs took on a whole new meaning - I found religious inspiration from them and I am not particularly religious. I know what you mean about Big Brother. When i'd just started taking Olanzapine (anti-psychotics) I felt very paranoid and kept saying to my husband I think my life is like being on the Truman show and that everyone around me is acting and that I was in a false world.

When I began to start changing nappies again I was petrified that they were giving me messages. We used the Huggies ones with the Disney characters on and sometimes the characters like Pooh would be walking to the left and sometimes they would be walking to the right. If I put a nappy on where Pooh was walking to the left, i thought i was going backwards and going to hell, so i would try and find a nappy where the characters were walking to the right which made me feel better.

Do you ever remember having a strong sense of smell? I remember thinking i had an enhanced sense of smell which was very peculiar. At one point I told my mum i could smell my great uncle who had passed away many years ago.

All very strange. Its hard to imagine unless its happened to you. I always think of it like being on illegal drugs without actually taking them. (Not that i've ever taken them)

Sounds like you have a very loving husband which is critical for recovery. My husband has basically been the 'mummy' for a long time and i've found it hard to bond with my son but things are starting to get much better on that front which i'm pleased about.

When I was ill i did a search for books on pp and found one called Eyes Without Sparkle by Elaine Hanzak. Def worth a read. She also has a website which i discovered on this site called www.elainehanzak.co.uk. She has come through the illness and does international speaking about psychosis - an inspriational woman!

Hope things get better for you with each day. Please let me know how you are getting on. It's good to talk and keep in touch with women who have been through this unfortunate illness. Despite being so poorly, I can now see that good things are coming out of this and i now just want to possibly help others realise that they will feel better eventually.

Sukina x

[size=8pt][Edited by Admin: Reason: Correct link to Elaine Hanzak's website - thanks for all your posts][/size]

[Claire]

Yeah while i was ill i felt ashamed of my illness and thought people would think i was mental and a weirdo if i told them but now i know it was my fault and am more than willing to talk about it.

no i dont remember having a strong sense of smell.

im glad things are starting to get better between you and your son.
There were times when i didn't feel bonded with my daughter but now our bond is really strong.

I think i have recovered quite quickly really although still on some medication but i feel like i dont need it anymore but thats for the doctor to decide.

Its been nearly 11months since i was diagnosed and cant believe the recovery process really luckily when i was at my worst when i came home i was on maternity leave as i was sooo tired and just wanting to sleep all the time although that was due to the medication.

Well glad your on the mend aswell as you say it is nice to speak to people who have gone through the similar thing and know your not alone, and it seems the symptoms are so similar.

Look forward to hearing from you again
Take Care
Claire x 

[fanacapants]

Hello Claire,

You seem to have recovered very quickly from psychosis which is really good. I often wonder if my recovery would have been quicker if i'd have taken stronger anti-depressants when offered them, but i always said to the docs they are not a 'magic pill' and that i have to sort my head out myself which i eventually did.

I know what you mean about sleeping all the time, i became obsessed with my bed and used to count the hours until i could get back in it. As soon as my head hit the pillow, i would be dreading getting up for the next day!

I went to the docs this Tues to discuss weaning myself of my anti-depressants. She agreed that i clearly am not depressed any more has said i can start weaning myself of the tablets which i'm really pleased about.

Glad things are working out for you too and i just feel like when you've been though such a mad illness it's nice to come out the other end smiling. It makes you appreciate things


Take care and keep in touch,  Sukina xxxx

[Claire]

Hi Sukina

I saw my Phychiatrict Dr on Tues and i am only having to take my anti depressants every other day then stop all together.
I have to carry on taking my lithium for another 3 months and then the surgery dr will decide what to do next.
So i have been discharged from my phychiatrict dr and now under the car of my local dr so really pleased with that.

How ru getting on??

Look forward to hearing from you

Claire 

[fiona]

Hi Claire,
Sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time, but it sounds like you've got amazing family support which must help now you're on the mend. 
You mentioned being worried about having more children - it is worth remembering that there is a similar chance of sufferers having another episode of psychosis regardless of pregnancy/childbirth, at some point in their life.    My husband was equally supportive with my illness and we agreed that the decision to try for a 2nd child was primarily his.  At your stage (1 year in), we had decided not to risk more children, but a year later our views were quite different.  I came off mood stabilising medication completely for 3 months before trying for #2.  By that stage I can honestly say I felt completely OK and back to my old happy self.   
Our doctor says that there is a chance I will have "wobbles" when our little girl arrives (due 1st July) and I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst!  We have saved up for a maternity nurse to live with us for a month... they'll be able to do all night feeds etc and leave my husband to look after our little boy should things go wrong.
I wish I'd found this site when I was ill last time ... it is very positive being able to share feelings.   

I will keep in touch and wish you all the luck.
Fiona

[fanacapants]

Hi Claire,

sounds like things are really improving for you which is great! Things for me have not been so good. I don't know if you've read my recent post to 'Grandma' but i actually suffered a psychotic episode on Monday which was very frightening. I feel like i came so far ... came of anti-psychotics and was off them for a month and a half and then the illness struck me again.

The docs reckon its because i'm still poorly and all the stocks of the anti-psychotics have left my system. Also due to having extra seratonin from anti depressants plus i'm doing loads of exercise. Am off anti depressants now and at least i don't feel depressed at the mo. So my head's a little poorly and i need medication for a bit longer. I can cope with that. Having a psychotic episode 2nd time round has really opened my eyes and made me wake up and smell the coffee. Feel almost as though its been a real reality check. I feel more spiritual and emotionally in tune if that makes sense . Does anyone else who's had pp feel like this or is it just that i'm a bit weird?!

Hope to hear from you soon xxx Sukina 

[pebbles]

Id just like to say to anyone who has/or is suffering from this their is a light at the end of the tunnel, but get help as soon as possible.  My close friend could not keep her 1st baby as she was soo ill 6 years ago.  She thought at the time her feelings were normal because it was her 1st baby, so didn't get any help from anyone.  At 3 months old her mum finally got her hospitalised and she was sectioned for her own safety (at no point was her daughter in any harm though) and her mum still looks after her little girl for now.  Since then my friend has gone on to get married and last year had a beautiful son and was worried her mental illness would resurface as she was diagonosed with Bipolar disorder 3 years ago.  She has just found out last week that in fact on her notes from 6 years ago they actually diagnosed her with puerperal psychosis.  She has proven to social services that with the medication she takes and will take for the rest of her life (for bipolar) and with the help from her wonderful and caring husband, she has made a wonderful mother so got to keep her son.  They are still in talks as to whether it is in the best of interest of her daughter to let her live with her full time as this is what would make her life complete.  My friend said she wished she had got the help straightaway and put on the right medication from the start and finally feels after all these years of misdiagnosis she feels like her normal happy self again. So don't put off talking to someone and getting help.  My friend has now helped lots of new mums we know as she can spot the warning signs straight away, and is even thinking of becoming a counsellor.  People think then when you become a mum you should not feel down as everyone around you expects to be a on a permanent high, but due to hormone changes in your body that are beyond your control this is not always the case.  I have seen my friend hallucinate, overdose, scream, cry, self harm, shake, sweat, become paranoid throught out the 5 years I have known her and she said sometimes having someone to talk to helped her loads.  So give your mate a dead ear - if they dont listen they not a good friend.